Saudades

saudadeWhat a beautiful word. So soft, so honest, so friendly, so portuguese. It means missing. There are a lot of people around the world that I would love to catch up with, there are a thousand places I would like to revisit, but I don’t miss anyone or anything. That might sound harsh, but quite frankly, the memories live on and that’s all I need.

I love Portugal! It is a beautiful country with amazing history, a million beaches, beautiful vineyards, interesting castles, diverse nature, yummy food and stunning horses. Everything is close by and shared amongst people from around the world. It is multicultural. Possibly the one thing that made Portugal so good. Lisbon is one messy cultural pot. It’s messy, but that’s part of the Portuguese world and their charm. It is multicultural, because the Portuguese welcome everyone (I am ignoring those who think every brazilian girl is a slut) and they themselves travel and explore. But I don’t miss it.

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Portugal ❤ Brazil = true

When I first left Sweden it was just before my 11th birthday. The only thing that went through my head when my parents shared the news with my sister and I was “cool”. I thought of the new friends I would make, the new language I would learn, the stories I would one day share. I never thought of missing Sweden.

When I first left Portugal, I was 16. I left my dad behind and moved to an apartment in a city of Sweden I had never been to before. I lived with my older sister, who I provocatively fought with day in and day. I can be pretty shy when I don’t know anyone so making friends was not easy. I felt pretty lonely for the first few months and didn’t quite like to go to classes or to study. Although things turned around and this ended up being some of the best years of my life, I never missed Portugal when things were shitty.

When I was 21 I left Sweden for a second time. I went to Sydney, Australia to study for my degree. I left behind my sister, my best friend and my boyfriend at the time. There were some hard times but mostly good ones. As the three years went on, I never once missed Sweden or Portugal.

When I was 24 I left Australia, and I cried so much on the plane. I cried reading the little book where everyone had left personal messages to me. I don’t think I realized at the time, but I didn’t cry because of leaving Australia or my friends. I cried because I had accomplished something I had dreamt of my whole life, and it was all thanks to the people who had written in my little book. I had a degree! And I had lived in Australia!

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ICMS – where I took my degree

Australia. A childhood dream of mine. Probably because my dad had lived there and I loved listening to his stories. I was always a daddy’s girl. When I left Australia my main problem was not what to do but where to go. I wanted to go to Brazil but didn’t know how. It was a dream I had to put on hold.

A dream. I dreamt about Brazil although I had no connection to the country or its people. I don’t know why, I just knew I wanted to go. How can I possibly feel “saudades” when I am living my dream. I have accomplished one more dream! Isn’t that what life is all about? Living our dreams? No matter how petty they may seem? And at the same time the internet gives me the possibility to share my dreams with the world. I could not ask for more! Unless you can give me the winning lottery numbers…

I think about the good times I have had with people around the world, how well people have treated me and how much I have learnt throughout the ride. I think about Sweden, Portugal and Australia and I smile. I smile BIG. And if a tear ever rolls down my cheek when I think back it is purely because I am so grateful that I was born to live.

I do miss my mum though.

I do miss my mum though.

Missing someone or something is a sign that you had something great but you lost it. And that hurts. It is better to move on and keep the good memories.

Love, CJ

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About CJ - Loving São Paulo

A Swede in Brazil. Whatever comes to mind; thoughts, inspiration, food ideas, baby stuff, life.. I will write about it when I have free time! Uma Sueca no Brasil. Seja o que for; pensamentos, inspiração, novas receitas, coisas de bebes, a vida... Se há tempo livre escrevo aqui!
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