It’s the strangest feeling. I have never felt it before and it started with an ever so slightly pinch but it is growing stronger every day. It is a new feeling. I think it might actually be a combination of feelings, a mix I have never experienced before. It reminds me of what I felt before Christmas eve when I was a child; or when it was summer and I ran barefoot on the humid grass in the mornings. It is like what I felt when it was the weekend and we had breakfast together out on the veranda, all four of us; or when we travelled through Europe and I am sitting in the backseat giving dad a neck massage for cash. It’s like when I received a note from the boy next door that I had a crush on, or when I hear mum’s voice calling my name, even if it’s only in my head.
It’s like when I hear Gianna Nannini singing “I Maschi”. Nobody will understand it, except for those who sang it with me all those years ago.
But that mix of almost immaculate feelings has something in it that is less comforting. It’s another one I can’t explain, another mix. A bit like when you have a big final exam and don’t know if you are going to pass, or like that time when I lived in Australia and was on the phone to dad who was in the car and all of a sudden there is a really loud noise and the line gets cut off and it wont reconnect. It’s a combination of panic, anxiety and doubt.
For me it’s the first time, but I am pretty sure most women had their own dose of feelings that they can’t explain when they went through their first too.
It’s motherhood and it’s happening to me. It feels surreal. It feels like something I can’t explain. But what I do know is that there is a kind of love growing inside me that I have never felt before. I love my husband more for giving me this beautiful bump, I love my body more for being so damn amazing, and I love myself more, just because.
It’s a wonderful life, it’s a beautiful world. Happiness is all over me, along with all those other feeling that I blame entirely on hormones and once again, just can’t explain.