Who would have thought life could become this. I liked my life before, but now…? It is like running barefoot across a field of humid green grass and flowers almost as tall as you on a warm summers day, you’re a kid on summer break and your family is waiting for you at the other end with a picnic. Everyone is together. A golden retriever wags its tail and granny has made those amazing pancakes… It’s one of those things that are so natural and common, yet make you feel free, happy and confident. Alive!
I have now been given the opportunity to pay it forward. My life changed ten days early, on the 18th of March our baby girl was born. And what a beautiful little thing. I know all parents think so about their newborns but, actually, newborns are pretty ugly. Except for our Lily, my husband and I are convinced that she really was beautiful from the first minute.
I knew that it would be an amazing feeling to have a baby but it isn’t easy to explain a feeling to someone else. You might read my attempt to explain how it feels to me and think “damn I hate wet grass in-between my toes”, or there might be other reasons why a childhood memory isn’t what you would use to describe a beautiful and totally warm feeling. It’s about perception and experiences. In my case, childhood memories are usually perfect comparisons for when I want to explain how good something feels.
I have had very little contact with children in my life, even though I have two baby siblings (not so much “baby” anymore but still 20 years younger than me). I really didn’t know anything about having kids, so my pregnancy was pretty much one long Google search. When Lily was born I still didn’t know anything, and it was scary as hell!
As she popped out and the nurse showed us this greyish and sticky lifeless looking piece of baby, I thought “wow, that was inside my belly and it now belongs to me”. Unlike what every mother has ever told me, it wasn’t instant love. I just thought it was surreal that I now had a baby. They cleaned her up and the greyish changed to pinkish, and they brought her over. I looked at my husband as they walked towards us and noticed the tears rolling down his cheeks. Seeing my husband so emotional about our creation, I instantly knew; he is going to be the best father she can ever wish for. We are a family!
And that made me tear up.
As I had a shared room Jr was only allowed to stay with me during visitor hours. So I was alone after 6pm, alone with Google. Lily was lying next to me looking so peaceful with her 47.5cm. But I was nothing but peaceful myself. Lily moved, I googled it. Lily blinked, I googled it. Everything she did scared me, because quite frankly, everything she did didn’t look normal. Her eye movements were strange, her random muscle spasms were odd, her groans were weird. Although she wasn’t crying she kept doing these things that scared me, to the point I had to turn my back to my room-mate and shed a tear or two in fear. I have never been so scared in my whole life! I honestly didn’t know what to do, what to think, how to react, how to help her. This continued the next day but to a lesser extent as I had asked a nurse if it is normal, and was told it is. I just wasn’t totally convinced. On the third day I was allowed to go home. I was now far from the professionals, no laxative juice was served to me and my stitches down under were starting to hurt. This was a strange day, but from then on we have gotten to know each other better. I look at her and still think she’s the prettiest thing alive, but apart from that, the “unconditional love” that everyone has been on about has hit me like a wet slap in the face. I can’t imagine a day without her, I can lie next to her and just stare, I wake up at ungodly hours to feed her, with pleasure.
Who would have thought…
Who would have thought I would not mind being pooped on, or not get disgusted with the milky vomit that’s running down my chest.
Who would have thought I would one day look at a baby and feel like this. The pride is indescribable.
This is more than love, if that’s even possible.